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Write 15 fun BUSINESS/MONEY horoscopes (no psychic abilities required!)

Money, money money! Even the heavens know that the love of money is the root of all evil. This sassy psychic offers 15 money horoscopes that might apply to someone you know.

1

You love to tell everyone you meet that money isn’t everything but you hoard it under the mattress because you don’t like the bank’s how-low-can-you-go interest rates. You won’t buy a gift for a family member no matter what the occasion and you wear clothes that make you look like a boho hobo with no mojo. 

What your shrink says this means you really do think money is everything and that’s why you sleep on top of it every night, make reservations for “Thanksgiving for one,” and wear shoes that are a holey wreck. (Not to mention your love life.)

What do you think your boss thinks of you (huh?) when she sees “Poor Me” showing up for work dressed like that? You think your appearance will earn you a raise but au contraire!  You’re next in line for the edge of her hatchet but of course you won’t care because to you, money isn’t everything.  Right?

2

Your 401K flew away one day but there’s a ray of sunshine out over the bay. Some wing-flapping in the distance is creating a breeze that is carrying good news for you, my friend.  In the last few quarters your stocks are up and although your 401K is not as robust as it once was, it is getting stronger every day.  Be patient, contribute to your 401K especially if your company throws in a few matching bucks because they like you or its company policy. Whatever.

A word of advice: Open two other savings accounts called ME and THEM.  Into ME put cash for fun things like vacations. Into THEM place cash for large annual bills like car insurance or taxes.  Put more into THEM than ME and you’ll be sure to go on that vacation you want. Put more into ME than THEM and you’ll owe penalty fees and interest because you didn’t pay your bills on time and spent all your money having fun if you call sand-flea bites, sunburn and hangovers fun.

3

You have been the Little Red Hen while your friends have been the epitome of the Lazy Dog and Sleepy Cat.  But now with the nice weather around the corner their thoughts are going to vacations and convertibles and margaritas on demand. Best of all they want you to bankroll their summer fun and frolic.  Just say no I say. 

Practice right now, go find yourself a mirror and say five times: No. No. No. No. No. Say this in your biggest most powerful voice.  This is what you’ll have to do unless you want to be known as Little Red Hen-pecked or much worse. (Yes, hen-pecked once meant being pushed around by your wife. In today’s PC world anyone can be hen-pecked, even a nice hard-working saver like you.

4

Your mother gave you everything you ever wanted and she worked two jobs sometimes so you could have every wish fulfilled and every dream come true.  So now what’s going to happen? She isn’t able to do that anymore and you are going to have to go it alone.  Start by remember just how mom managed to always have money for you to “borrow” (ahem). She worked her tail off, that’s how she did it and now it’s your turn to do the same. Hey you come from some great genes and you certainly have what it takes to become financially successful.  Roll up your sleeves and keep your wallet closed and you’ll be fine.

5

Bankruptcy is not in your future!  No such luck.  You have to pay off your debt with the sweat of your brow and you can do it. Get a second job.  Find one that you’ll enjoy because you’ll need to keep two jobs for two years to get out of the mess you are in.  Learn to be frugal: save the ketchup packs, sugar packs and extra napkins and straws you get from restaurants.  Hey what are you doing in a restaurant?  Eat at home and maybe you can get out of debt by your next birthday.

6

Well look at you.  You tightened your belt when times were hard and now you get to enjoy these good times because you earned them.  Not only did working that second job get you out of debt it got you into good shape. You’ve slimmed down and look fantastic. The opposite sex will be attracted to you for two reasons: cuteness factor and bank account.  Be wary of any date that asks you what you do or what your finances are.  Be wary of a spouse if they ask too.  Your spouse should know what your finances are right? Oh, so you are hiding a bit of cash are you?  Okay that’s not a bad thing if it’s less than 500 dollars. 

7

What would you rather have: a penny a day doubled or one million dollars?  Quick give me an answer!

Wrongo if you said the mil.  This is what I mean about you.  You need to become educated in math first before you can get your financial affairs in order.  You need to study division and multiplication; percentages and algebra.  You need to know your multiplication facts like the back of your hand and you must learn to estimate! 

If you had estimated your grocery-store expenditures recently, you would have known that $147.82 was an incorrect total.  The swiper doohickey in your check-out aisle was feeling sluggish that day and do you remember when your checkout person impatiently swiped three times till she heard the magic beep? 

Well you were charged for three pot roasts at $9.88 a piece and you should have known your total was bogus.  Next time do the math.

8

I’m sorry you lost your job.  So is everyone else, now get over it.  Make getting a job your new job and get up everyday get dressed, comb your hair and spend 8 full hours on the computer, reading newspapers and networking.  I know you are used to a certain salary and can’t possibly get along on less, but can you get along on nothing?  Take the low paying job for now and keep looking for professional work on the side.  Do this for the next 3 months and see your dream job appear right in front of your nose. 

9

Stop saying you aren’t cut out to be a good business person, you are fine.  No one wants to fire someone but sometimes if it’s part of your job description and you have to butch up and do it anyhow.  If it comes your turn, believe me your superior will have no problem letting you know that it’s time to pack up your troubles in your old kit gym bag and get the heck out.

Remember, you can show compassion when you wrap your hands around the company axe and slowly sneak up behind your newest former employee. 

Thwack! Make it quick and don’t give any glimmer of hope that the lay off is temporary.  In the end that is the kindest blow of all. Now go do your job.

10

Your cube is a cluttered mess and smells like salami.  This is not good. This is not good at all unless you are an Italian deli.   Others living in the cube farm can smell you and just because you have three walls doesn’t mean people can’t see into that open wall and wonder how on earth does this person find anything?  Or how on earth does this person stand the smell? 

Clean up your cube and your act.  This sloppiness is now touching your work and that’s a crying shame.  You of all people, with your sharp mind, quick wit and connections to the CEO should be sitting at the top of the corporate ladder.  Tidy up now

11

The boss has a crush on you and you know it. This situation can be far worse for you than if the boss hated you.  Do not lead the boss on!  Unless of course, you have a crush on your boss and then wouldn’t it be so cute for you and the boss to reveal this mutual admiration at the office picnic in June wearing matching shirts and shorts? 

What, not so fast? Dating relationships aren’t allowed in your company?  Well it might be time for you to look for another job and go to your boss’s picnic as a guest.

Oh, you don’t have any desire to be with (in any sense of that word) the boss?  Then stop by HR and ask them for copy of their employee dating policy and also for their policy on sexual harassment while you are at it.

12

What? You think you are the only person that lost your job, your sweetheart, your dog and your wallet all on the same day?  Well no you are not! 

There was that guy back in the ‘60s in Meyers Chunk, Alaska and much more recently the woman in Fingerville, South Carolina. Seems to me she lost her whole purse, anyhow see you are not alone. 

Take things step by step and first thing is to apply for a new license, credit card and get some cash from the ATM. Then sign up for match.com or the like. Then type in Monster.com in your search engine and apply for a dozen jobs, then take a quick trip to the local pound and pick out a pooch.  So now listen up it’s time to can back in through the window and get off that ledge

13

It’s time to repave your career path.  You have been betting on some miracles like having 19 managers retire so you that you can apply for the next opening.  No it is not going to happen. They like their jobs and aren’t going anywhere.

An aerial shot of your career path looks like an ess, and how’s that been working for you?  How many lateral promotions can one person get in a lifetime?  Congratulations you are right up there with Marla in Accounting, who is still making the same salary as she did back in 1993 when she was hired.  You are not picking up on the clues that they are giving you: They don’t value you as an employee.

Look for new work real soon, chop chop!

14

Someone with a finger that wagged with lots of emotion told you that you should never take a job working for an in-law. But you knew better. So now how do you like it?  Not so much I would think.  First of all, the big boss nee Uncle Louie (or fill in the name of your inane in-law) thinks you have chicken feathers between your ears and doesn’t like you now and never did.

Get talking to old friends, network, even

if you must but your silence is not going to gain you respect nor is it an admirable quality.  The guy’s a horse’s patootie and you will succeed anywhere you work but here. Time to tell Louie see you!

15

Business casual clothing is not your vintage “I Dream of Jeannie” harem pants nor is it those artfully distressed jeans with the hole you know where.  What are you thinking?  Okay, yes you want to look sexy and you want to date a co-worker and attraction is often based on appearance…I get all that.  But have you thought about how romantic it will be if you’re at home looking in the classifieds for a new job and your co-worker is eyeing the new person who’s moving into your cube? Stay the class act you are and let your sexual appeal reveal itself in standard, business clothing. Got it?