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Laughter from the old Joke Files

These may not be the world’s worst jokes, but they’re in the running. In no particular order:

A sporting goods manufacturer offering something called the Holeproof Sport Sock received a perplexing letter from an amateur golfer: “Dear Sirs:” the letter read. “Twenty minutes after I put on a pair of your socks, I got a hole in one.”

A young man at a party asked a pretty girl to dance with him. As they whirled around the floor, he noticed a woman watching them closely. “Look at that old crow staring at us,” he said.
“Why, that’s my mother,” the girl replied.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I didn’t notice the family resemblance.”

An Egyptian mummy wandered into a Frisco bar and the bartender asked him what he would have. “Nothing,” replied the mummy. “I just came in here to unwind.”

Father: “Son, it is time I told you about the facts of life.”
Son: “Ok, Dad. How many are there?”

Herb Thornberry reached the ripe old age of 75 and decided he wanted to live another ten or twelve years. So he gave up smoking, cut back on his drinking, and started dieting and exercising. His paunch disappeared, his body firmed up and a youthful pace returned to his stride. To celebrate his new appearance, Herb bought a handsome toupee to cover his balding pate. Then, crossing a street, he was hit by a Mack truck. As he lay dying, Herb called out to his maker, “God, why did you let this happen to me?”
“I’m sorry, Herb,” God replied. “I didn’t know it was you.”

The English teacher asked Johnny to name two pronouns and Johnny said, “Who, me?”

Paul: “What are those holes in that piece of lumber?”
Bunyan: “Those are knotholes.”
Paul: “If they are not holes, what are they?”

A young woman asked an artist to paint her in the nude.
“Oh, no,” he said, “I could never do that.”
So the woman offered to pay him seven times his normal fee.
“Oh, alright,” the artist conceded, “but I need someplace to keep my extra brushes so you will have to let me wear my stockings.”

Ned and Jed got into a discussion about dreams.
“I dream all night long about baseball,” said Ned. “Baseball, nothing but baseball.”
“Well,” said Jed, “I dream about girls. Girls, girls and more girls.”
“I hope I never do,” Ned said. “I might lose my turn at bat.”

Safari client #1: “Would you rather have an angry elephant attack you or a gorilla?”
Safari client #2: “I’d rather he attacked the gorilla.”